Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Co-GMs Praised for Likenesses to Theo

When asked about the decision to appoint co-GMs, Larry Lucchino responded, "It was important to not only embody Theo in terms of his strategic thinking, but we felt that the fans would support our decision if we appointed someone who resembled him physically. As you know, we searched outside and inside the organization without success. And then it hit me - why not hire two GMs, especially if each person can bring his own set of physical characteristics that resemble Theo's to the table?"

And so it is.

It is clear that co-GM Jed Hoyer captures Theo in the eyes. This was unanimously agreed upon by Lucchino, Henry, and pitching coach Dave Wallace, who spends a lot of time studying faces. Said Wallace, "The whole top of the face is truly Theo-esque. Forehead, eyes, and brows. They use the same stylist, which is of particular benefit here." Ben Cherington offers Theo's height and smile. Put them all together, and you've got yourself one Theo Epstein.

"This was brilliant," claimed Bob Furbush, VP of Accounting and Finance. "We are really saving a bundle here. Two bodies for a fraction of Theo's price. And I hear they really know their baseball."

Theo could be brought back to consult the two with decisions about clothing and mannerisms. "I'm concerned that Jed doesn't have my hand motions down as well as I hoped," Theo said.

It was also rumored that Epstein's personal trainer will be working with Hoyer and Cherington, using Theo's workout on them both. Since Hoyer will be representing the club with major league matters, it is especially important that he stay in tip-top shape. "Yeah, Ben's going to get to sneak in a super size meal sometimes and folks here might turn a blind eye," laughed Hoyer, jabbing his co-GM in the ribs. Cherington will be concerning himself primarily with the Red Sox farm system.


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