New Look for Ortiz

Before:


After:


Next Step:


Meanwhile, Manny is putting manure under his cap. His hair is really growing.

Lastly, I think that Troy Glaus has shades of Richard Kind (from Mad About You):
Glaus:


Kind:


[Poor, Pauley - he's not feeling very good about himself (he sort of looked like he might have been crying, actually). How is it his fault that the Red Sox have such a hole in their starting rotation? Actually, for a major league debut, I don't think he did that badly. This Toronto team is tough. I'm just glad that we were able to pounce on a rare shitty Lilly performance.]

Pauley Makes Major League Debut

So far, so good, too. Bottom of the 4th and Boston's on top, 5-2. Lilly's stinkbomb outing isn't hurtin' us, either.

Just Rays

It’s hot, people. Cha-cha sweating hot. This is a good thing. In fact, the only complaint I have is that, due to everyone lifting up their windows, I am subjected to my neighor's Nickelback crap (or whatever it is - all bad new music is labeled "Nickelback " by me.) Oh great - the neighbor is now singing along - totally belting it out, American Idol-style. Whatever tom-or-row brings, I'll be there with open arms and open eyes ... This is really hilarious. I'm tempted to do a little "sing back."

Seth McWhat? Clung? I don't have to tell you how funny that is. Cow Dung McClung. Static McClung. Look, I coughed up a McCLung!

May is "Heavy Metal Month" on VH1. I am horribly addicted to the programming. I am actually mad because they are telling the "Story of Heavy Metal" and KISS is being played now, during the game. I've heard a million variations of this and it never gets old for me. My father had a friend whose daughter had all 4 of the KISS dolls and I was insanely jealous. During the "Top 100 Metal Bands of All Time," Guns and Roses actually placed closer to number one than KISS. That, my friends, is an outrage. Nothing against G&R, but come on! Watching the countdown pretty much confirmed the following:

1. Lita Ford is useless.


2. The guy from Ratt, Stephen Pearcy, aged nicely. The odds were not in his favor.


3. I genuinely like CC Deville, though I genuinely dislike Poison.


4. I've always had a soft spot for James Hetfield. I bet he'd be an interesting guy to have a brewskie with.


5. On the topic of Metallica, Jason Newsted looks like my friend, Geoff (who spells his name the same way as Tate, from Queensryche).


6. I could go on and on with this irrelevant stuff.

At the bottom of the 2nd, Harris attempted a steal ... and actually got it. Then, Youk reached 3rd after turning around - excuse me? - to see where the ball was. It should have been a double. I really thought he was out, but apparently the tag was weak or nonexistent, so Youk was called safe. Wicked huge gift.

Trot got yet ANOTHER clutch hit. Still, I am completely confused as to why he's "totally overrated." Can someone explain this to me? Since when was Trot considered to this big hero/God? He's been here a while, fans go out and buy his player jersey, I think he's earned that. Never have I heard anyone gush like crazy over Trot. He's a pretty decent and consistent guy (left handed pitchers not considered), he doesn't bellyache, he does his share of charity work in a quiet way. All this complainin’ necessitates a little ‘splainin’!

The other day, my friend Ilene mastered Papelbon face. Here is me, trying to do it:



She and I also talked about how weird it is that some pitchers try to will home runs into routine pop-ups by immediately pointing their index fingers up, almost angry-like while the ball sails into the stands. I like combining the Papelbon face with the angry finger point.

I guess we can’t call the Devil Rays the Devil Rays anymore. They’re pulling a Jefferson Starship here. “We’re called Jefferson Airplane. No, wait, we’re changing it. Starships are cooler than airplanes. You know what? Screw it – we’re just going to be: Starship.” So, using this logic, the Devil Rays are now “The Rays.” I doubt that this is going to do much in the improvement department. They stink. They’ll always stink (except Rocco Baldelli). You know, I actually liked the Devil part of their name. Now, they’re just a bunch of generic shmoes. You can call me Ray or you can call me Jay …

Hearing Joey Gathwright’s name always makes me think of this:
"She call, I yell 'Cartwright! Cartwright! no one answer, she say cuss-word, I hang up."

So, it’s the bottom of the 5th and the "You Can Call Me Rays" are gaining on us.

P.S. Travis Lee thinks he's Nomar.

Quick Plug For the Boston ARL

So, I often get mail from the Animal Rescue League, as I am a volunteer and what-have-you. Anyway, they are hosting a "foster care" open house on May 31st at 7 PM (Boston Branch -10 Chandler Street, Boston, MA).

The purpose of this event is to educate folks who are interested in becoming foster care providers to animals (mainly cats and dogs) in need of a temporary home. They have asked me to "spread the word" and "be creative." While this isn't very creative, I am doing my part in this grass roots marketing campaign.

The event will last no more than 1 hour and they are going to have light refreshments, I am told. Go to their site if you would like more 411.

Wright's Other Job

I saw last night's game with my friend and former boss dude, Dave. At [Vox]. Seriously, is this how they refer to themselves? With brackets? From now on, I want to be known as K(im). Anyway, the game sucked ass, but Dave made a keen observation. Jaret Wright is the person who they threw in during Bill Bixby's transformation into the hulk. After Bixby, but before Ferrigno.

Jaret:


Snapshot of transformation:


The in between person who could easily be Wright:


What kind of name is Jaret anyway? Should it be Jared? Only in the greater Philadelphia area is "Jared" pronounced "Jaret." Other words pronounced with a Philly accent:

Davit (David)
livit (livid)
morbit (morbid)

You get the idea.

Tonight, there will be pictures from the weekend and stuff. If you're still interested, that is. I am beyond late in getting them postit (posted).

Delinquent

I've not been slacking. Just busy. So much baseball, so little time to post about it.

After the Phillies games this weekend, I attended last night's Sox/Yankee game (seats courtesy of Ilene and Nick - thank you, guys!). As you can imagine, it was glorious.

I've got lots to write and many pictures to share witchoo all. Unfortunately, these people (the ones who pay me) expect me to work, so it's all going to have to wait.

Teaser Pic

I got home very late last night (early this morning, actually).

Here is a picture courtesy of my friend, Taylor, who treated me to the games. I am holding a stuffed bear (made by his sister) wearing a Sox uniform (gift from his girlfriend). I am dreaming of a Sox victory, which, of course, I got. This was Saturday - before DiNardo DiStunko. Behind me, Tina Cervasio was setting up an interview with Gordon Edes. We got to see lots of pregame workout activity, which was very cool.



More to come.

Extreme Poker?

That dumb NY-Boston poker challenge crap is gracing NESN once again. General questions/observations:

1. Did you even know that Boston won the challenge last year? Every time I tuned in, Boston was down to their last player and it was bullet sweating time. I just figured that the NY team took the trophy home without effort.

2. The Boston team is comprised of a bunch of dorks. And this year is worse than last with that goody-two-shoes Wellesley College type on the team. She angers me so much, I can't be bothered to look up her name. All I know is that she complains about how "rude" New Yorkers are in the commercials. When was the last time you went to Haymarket, lady?

3. The New York team always has some arrogant jerk. This year, I think they have 2. Some guy with crazy hair is this year's Adam Shoenfeld. I swear, they pick people like this because they are playing into the whole stereotype. It's the non-New Yorker's view of what every single New Yorker is like (much like those Red Sox lottery ticket commercials on the radio where they fake poll a few "New Yorkers" and ask them what they think of the game. Awful.)

4. Is poker a sport? Why the heck is it on NESN?

Philly Bound

So, I've already mentioned that I lived in Philly once. Indeed, this is true. At another (earlier) point in my life, I lived in South Jersey, just over the Ben Franklin Bridge. I actually count that as living in Philadelphia, also, even though it was technically Jersey. While I was a Garden State resident, I spent a good number of quiet Sundays in Philadelphia (I was far too young to have a lonely and pathetic existence then, but I tried to think of it as a "soul searching" time.)

Anyway, I love the Philadelphia Art Museum. And I really enjoy the area surrounding it. I once sat in the raging summer sun (it gets super hot there in July) to paint the view from the museum steps to City Hall. I sketched in watercolor, then translated it to a little abstract painting. Why I chose to add another steeple on is beyond me.

Actual View:


Kim's Wacko Abstract Interpretation (1998):


I forgot to mention that I do, in fact, like the Phillies quite a bit. Pat Burrell, Jimmy Rollins and Bobby Abreu are decent players. It's also the team that once staffed Curt Schilling and Francona. I've definitely got a soft spot. But, in the end, I'm traveling there to watch the Red Sox beat the Phillies.

*Sound of Balloon Deflating*

Dear WIllie Harris,

What the fuck?

Sincerely,
Witch City Sox Girl

I mean, you could smell "rally" in the air with Papi's 2-run homer and Tejada's gift screw up (allowing Wily Mo to get on base). The stage was set with Trotter up. He was ahead of the count. Things were looking promising. And then, Harris pulled the plug with his stupid, stupid, stupid steal attempt. What a crappy way to end a game that we had a legitimate shot at winning. At least Millar got to walk away thinking, "Hey, I got a homer off the knuckleball guy. Sweet." Good for Kevin.

So, tomorrow night we face ex-Pirate/Cub/Yankee pitcher Jon Leiber. And I will be in attendance at the games in Philadelphia AKA "Baby New York." Both Friday and Saturday nights. I'm taking this show on the road, reader, so watch out! It's my annual game with my always wise and generous surrogate dad. He's an O's fan living in the City of Brotherly Love. I'm really looking forward to seeing the new stadium! I used to go see the Phillies play at the old Veteran's stadium when I lived there a while ago. The new one is supposedly all "throw back" and whatnot.

The Return of Eric Frede and The Sun

All I saw of last night's game was Pap. I caught Timlin's relief outing in the postgame, hosted by Jim Rice and ... Eric Frede!

I enjoyed a cool "pot luck" style dinner with my friend Anne, who isn't even remotely interested in baseball. People like this exist. And lots of them are great people. She's a neighbor of mine who I just recently met. Anyway, I rarely have company and as we were chatting, I noticed things. Embarrassing things. Like, the fact that I just leave my medication out in the kitchen and I write silly reminder notes to myself on my dry erase board. It's a little difficult to rid the room of these things after your friend has been standing there for a while. I was able to snag the medication, but how do you casually start wiping down your dry erase board in mid conversation? Awkward.

Anyway, I was disappointed by the Yankees' stupid come back victory last night. I saw the final Posada run on MLB "gameday." It sucks to be the Rangers today, knowing that you squandered such a handsome lead. Mariano "The Skull" Rivera is weakening, it seems. I wonder if he's going to try another type of pitch someday.

Oh yeah, and something very weird happened last night - around 6:15 PM. This crazy thing came out of hiding:



I was at Whole Foods and everyone in the produce section just stopped what they were doing and looked out the windows, as if an alien space craft was hovering over Alewife station. The store announcer came over the PA and said, "Don't worry, ladies and gentlemen, that's just the sun." We are getting glorious sunshine this morning, but ... for ... how ... long?

Conine

Conine is using Tom Sawyer for his at bat music this year. As you know, this was Billy Mueller's at bat music last year and I discovered (on 5/27/05) that Tino Martinez started using it a bit last year. That pissed me off a little, but it's a free country I guess. Weird.

[Update: I just learned that there is a very strong possibility of rain in Baltimore tonight. Thunderstorms, in fact. If the game is cancelled, I wasted 5 minutes Photoshopping.]

Am I the Only One Who Hates this DD Commercial?

Swimming.

Soccer.

Ballet.

Oboe.

KaratAAAAAAAAAY!
(Better or worse than Not too close, what, you think I got that insurance? I expect votes!)

Red Sox left bases loaded 3 times tonight. Sweet game. And it's only the 6th inning! Imagine how many more runners we can strand! Oh boy!

Forced Charity

Well, there's good news and bad news on the laundromat front. And weird news.

Good news: The place I found was bigger, cleaner and MUCH cheaper than the one I've been going to. It's also quiet. The last place blared annoying radio stations which proved rather distracting while trying to read. Also, it's on street parking, but I think if you go during off times, you can find something right outside. Additionally, it's right next to a convenience store and a few sweet eateries, including The Urban Gourmet. If you live in Somerville, this is a must try. Quality grub, excellent service, hip little joint.

Bad News: From the middle of the street (driving by), it appeared that there was a television monitor suspended from the ceiling. Not so. It's actually a big, rectangular vent. I think there's a television in the back room, but there were children in there watching some sort of educational program. What kind of horrible person would I be to ask them to change it?

Weird News: So, I got there and started loading up a couple of washers, and I was feeling pretty happy despite the vent/TV mixup because it was only $1.25 to wash a load and the washers appeared to have greater capacity than my old laundromat. The next thing I knew, this older woman came shuffling over to me. Though she was wearing a pair of crappy slippers and a kind of frumpy skirt, she didn't appear to be disheveled or unkept. She made direct eye contact and without missing a beat, she said, "I need some money to finish" and bent her head in the direction of the dryers on the back wall. I took out my purse and she said, "Five dollars." Now, I consider myself to be a fairly charitable person, but come on! I hadn't even completed the loading of my washers and this lady dragged her slipper feet over to me and not only demanded money, but told me exactly how much I should have given her? I had a total of five bucks on me at the time and though I'm sure her situation wasn't good, I'd be damned if I had to run to the bank machine just to get my laundry started after forking over all the cash I had in hand to her. I agreed to give her 2 bucks so that I could at least start my wash before going out to get more money. Once my quarters were popped in, I settled down to read about "Denise Richards' Side of the Story." After a while, the slippers swished in my direction again. This time (get this) she said, "My clothes are still damp. Two dollars wasn't enough." So, on top of giving her money on demand, I was supposed to feel guilty? She didn't stop there, either. She went on and on about how unfortunate it was that she had to walk home with a bag of wet laundry. I was so mad, I just ignored her and let her walk out in a huff. By the way, I put a mere buck in each dryer and my clothes came out bone dry.

I missed the first 4 innings of the game. I got in the car just in time to hear Castiglione gushing over Damon's great defensive play, robbing The Big Ragu of an off-the-wall hit. My mom called me during my drying cycle to tell me about Matsui's wrist. Tough break for the Yanks if it's broken. I gathered from EEI and NESN commentary that the Sox squandered a lot and that, had it not been for some awesome defensive plays, Chacon would have been a little screwed tonight.

The weather seems to be holding out. And Wake is doing fine, as his bottom of the 5th was a 1-2-3.

Series, Tied

I saw the last night's pooper with my friend Dan last night. Like a bottle of Coke in the blazing summer sun, it started out promising, but soon went flat. I mentally rinsed the game down the sink around the 8th. I figured, if we couldn't get a rally going by then, our chances of winning were pretty nil. I sometimes think the players feel this way, too. Like they give up in the 9th and start getting a bunch of easily fielded hits as if to say, "Eh, let's just get this over with and go home." I guess I'd rather see that than a strike out with bases loaded and 2 outs. Slightly less frustrating, as the hope fades gradually over the span of 3 easy outs.

Anyway, I look forward to tonight's rubber game. I'm scouting laudromats in Somerville. I'm on the lookout for one with:

1. A Television (with NESN, of course)


2. WiFi


3. A Sushi Bar


4. A Dunkin Donuts Kiosk


5. A Fresh Copy of Us Magazine (I admit that I like to read this trashy garbage. While I'm admitting this, I'll tell you that I also read Martha Stewart Living. I find the layout irresistible. The fonts, the photography, the colors. It's like kryptonite to me.)


6. Sweet Parking


7. A Tarot Card Reader, or Fortune Teller, like Madame Ruby


8. A Scanner/Printer


9. Dryers that work really, really well. The kind that come within a couple of seconds of burning holes in your clothes.

Alright, this is a tall order. I'd be happy with the NESN and exceptional dryers. So, can you guess where I'll be tonight? You know you're in rough shape when you go out and buy underwear because you don't have time to wash it.

I hope the wind works in Wakefield's favor tonight. I also hope that Harris isn't in the line up.

Oh, and Jere and Reb went to the game last night together, in the Bronx. See their respective sites for details!

Dirt Dog is Major Hypocrite

Dirt Dog actually posted this before last night's game. It was a kind of "call to action" for Sox fans in Yankee Stadium:

Don't Forget to Boo Johnny Damon for Going to the Dark Side!

I thought he wanted everyone to cheer him! I don't get it. Was he being sarcastic? Does he still want people to cheer? What gives?

It's Official

The Yankees are getting rocked. I waited until we had a good 8 run lead before posting this.

Randy looked horrible tonight. The Torre finger point came early.

And what's up with the Yankee defense? There were at least 2 routine plays that were horrendously butchered. Wowie wow wow.

Needless to say, there's been a lot of hooting and hollering in my living room tonight. And, yeah, I'm here by myself. What of it?

Talk about unflattering action shots:



Yowzers.

Thank You and You and You and You

First of all, thanks to all the folks who made it out to my humble little show this weekend. I sold 2 pieces and was commissioned to paint 2 more for a lovely young couple in the 'ville. It was a lot of work, but it really paid off, as the event was a success. It was also a little "This Is Your Life." as people I hadn't seen in ages recognized me on the map and stopped by for a visit. Man, I love Somerville.

I missed yesterday's matchup, but caught the post game which served as the proverbial cherry on top to a perfect weekend. I love sweeps. DiNardo really needed that victory - his first in the majors! And Tek obtaining his second career grand slam was simply marvelous (one lucky gal got to see this in person). I feel pretty confident going into this upcoming series with the Yankees and I am truly excited to watch Beckett pitch against Johnson, who boasts a 5-0 record against the Red Sox. The Yankees have also enjoyed a few recent wins (alright, alright, 5 in a row) and both teams will have had a day's rest going into Tuesday's game, so let's just say it's gonna be interesting.

Side note: I do respect Joe Torre a great deal, and the "general baseball fan" in me congratulates him on his 1000th career win. Personally, I think he deserves higher honors for tolerating Steinbrenner all this time, but that's just me.

Enjoy the night off, everyone!

P.S. Every mid-pitch action shot cracks me up. Like this one of DiNardo:



I'm going to create a silly post about these sometime soon.

Now You See It, Now You Don't

Mike Lowell is an interesting guy.

Apart from looking an awful lot like Todd Walker, he also appears to have a great deal of success with this wacky stuff. I wonder if we'll see him try any of this abracadabra with the Red Sox. Another fact: Lowell was born in Puerto Rico, but is actually of Cuban decent (both parents). The surname "Lowell" is British in origin.

6-1, Red Sox (bottom of the 3rd). Trot got two nice hits off of left-handed pitcher, Bedard. Mirabelli knocked the crap out of the ball and drove in a run. The key here is that Mirabelli is supposed to hit south paws well. I'm just sayin'. Oh, but Bedard was just yanked in favor of the right handed Manon. And he just walked Gonzales to load them up.

S.O.S.

If you are planning to swing by my site at the Somerville Open Studios this weekend, I just wanted to let you know that the address they have me listed at on the web site contradicts where I will actually be. I am going to be at 90 Union Square (site #76) in Somerville (in the SCAT building). The event runs on Saturday and Sunday, 12-6. Hope to see you there!

Sweet win last night, by the way.

Uh ... I'm mentioning "Charlie," no, wait, I screwed that up ...

I always hear commercials that advertise their services or products and follow up the pitch with something like "Mention my name and take an extra 10% off!"or "Say [insert ridiculous word] and save 5 bucks!" My favorite is when they instruct you, the potential customer, to "Tell 'em [so and so] sent ya!" This is such a sneaky little marketing trick. How do you parlay your conversation with a saleperson, a total stranger, into "Crazy Al sent me" or "Twizzlesticks!" I mean, I can honestly tell you that I have never in my life saved money by repeating one of these silly lines. The humiliation factor is just way too high. It's so awkward for a normal, rational human being to just come out with this in the midst of a transaction. These companies must know that. They end up looking like great people who can't wait to help you save a little dough because they know that the vast majority of their market base would feel foolish bringing up the nonsense phrase or whatever. When those brave enough to actually capitalize on the discount call, I wonder if the companies get any of it on tape and have a good laugh over it since (a) the phrase is stupid and (b) there's the added bonus of the poor person's bashfulness in bringing it up.

Frustrating X 2

Crap ending last night. It was a tit-for-tat game that just ended with B.J. Ryan's crazy closing performance. I'm actually starting to fear the Jays. B. J. Ryan isn't as intimidating-looking as their old closer (nicknamed "The Crotch" by Moe and me), but there's no denying he's got skills. Halliday didn't look very good last night, but neither did Beckett. I've also become desensitized to Foulke's relief work. I've gone from "cringe" to "Offerman is up, time to take a pee break." In other words, my expectations are relatively low. As stated previously, Wily Mo had a good game. And so did Mike Lowell. Truly.

The loss frustrated me on top of the anger I was already feeling due to mat cutting. I'm officially engaged in last-minute preparations for the upcoming show I am participating in and I have 4 large pieces that necessitated mats. My right index finger is bruised from pushing a seemingly dull xacto knife through the impossible boards. My first mat was a poor miscalculation - which nearly resulted in tears. I kid you not. Cutting mats is higher on my "list of least favorite things to do" than moving. I always seem to wipe the agony out of my memory. For whenever I got to the art supply store for mats, I sort of ignore the voice that says: Kim, maybe you ought to buy some snazzy new mat cutting tools. Nope. I've got to do things the hard way. I've got to work myself up into a completely preventable frenzy.

Yes, I'm a Nerd. Yes, I Like Rush.

Dunkin Donuts musical montage - Distand Early Warning by Rush. Nice job.

Also, Pena is totally stepping up. He's playing center pretty well, too. See? I admit it when I see it. My hat = tipped.

The Doug Deal

(A couple of days late, I admit)

Some people are questioning whether or not it was, in fact, a well thought through move or a "knee jerk" reaction to bring Doug back. To appease the fans. Well, this fan is totally psyched. I love the guy, even though I hear that he can be a little lippy with his managers. He knows how to handle the knuckeball and he has been known to crush left handed pitching (which we seem to be up against a lot this year between the Jays and the Orioles - I've counted 9 total, including the dreaded Lily). Some argue that Theo didn't give Bard a fair shot at learning how to catch Wake and that Bard had the advantage of youth. Valid point, I must say. Evan at Firebrand even eluded to the message that this sends out to others - If you don't perform right away, your ass is getting shipped right out of town (paraphrased by me). Also valid. Actually, this is more valid to me that the youth argument.

I'm not Theo and I sometimes disagree with some of his moves, so I was interested in hearing his reaction in this one:

''It was sort of an ongoing evaluation process," Epstein said. ''How long was it going to take Josh to get up to a certain level? What's the acquisition cost of Mirabelli? What are our other options? We were assessing all the variables that seemed to make sense. The acquisition cost was pretty reasonable. We were at a point where it was getting into the season enough where we thought it was time to do something."

He also made reference to competition (translation = Yankees being interested) influencing the decision. This sort of surprises me because front office appeared to be rather cool during the so-called Damon negotiation process, knowing full well that NY was vying for him. At the end of the day, I think it was one of those low financial risk situations where Theo could address an immediate need at a relatively low cost (Bard, Cla Meredith, and either $100,000 or a player to be named). To appease the fans? I seriously doubt that Theo considers the fans very much, as evidenced by the Arroyo deal. It was a common sense decision in which "[Theo + Co.] were assessing all the variables that seemed to make sense."

I hope Doug delivers offensively this year. It would be nice to see him make some powerful contributions. But no stolen base attempts!

Warning: More Johnny Damon Stuff (Don't Read if You're Sick of It)

I've been reading a lot in the papers and hearing a lot on the radio about the great debate over booing and cheering. Even this morning, the day after Johnny's chilly reception. I never really thought that this necessitated so much planning. To me, it's a no-brainer. You're a Yankee now, you get a boo. Since when did we start making all sorts of exceptions?

I would have preferred the silent treatment, or maybe the 180 stance, where everyone just gets up and turns backwards. But, it was totally impractical, I know.

Johnny, if baseball is such a "business," why are you expecting adoration? You want us to turn off the "business" aspect of it when it comes to loving you, but turn it back on again when we think of your motivation to leave us? You chose money over love. You chose the enemy. We made none of these choices for you. Some of us sat back and mentally pleaded with the fates during your short-lived free agency, hoping and praying that an agreement would be reached with our club. But, then the unthinkable happened. And for me, it felt like a huge fucking smack upside my head. You drew blood, and then, in the off season, you insulted me with your crocodile tears and poured salt on the wound with all of your smack talk in New York. And now you want me to come to the park with a bouquet of flowers in one hand and Godiva fucking chocolates in the other?

You want us to believe that the Sox weren't showing you any respect because they weren't wooing you and rolling out the red carpet while digging deep into their pockets and begging you with fistfuls of dollars and lint. Do you honestly think that Steinbrenner was that obsessed with you and ordered his cronies to pull out all the stops to sign you? Truth be told, Steinbrenner can throw more money your way because he has more money to throw. He's got waste money in his reserve so that he's protected if your shoulder gives or you don't deliver as expected. The Sox don't have this luxury. And they gave you a handsome deal anyway. On top of it, your jackass agent didn't give the Sox an opportunity to counteroffer. So, basically, all the doors were slammed shut and you went ahead and took the Yankee deal (1) for the cash and (2) for spite. Because big important Johnny Damon was not fussed over by a front office that was trying to keep its head above water in the absence of a general manager.

I know why you're so hurt over this. It's a classic case of being sore when things don't go your way. Sort of like the way I reacted to your signing with them. One of the main differences, though, is I am not rich and therefore, I am used to not getting my way a lot. You live in a fantasy land of muscles and boobs and expensive cars and puppies and kittens and little birdies. I guess you'll have to be a man now, Johnny, and deal with the scorn of the people who once loved you.

Papi Delivers Big

Q the Vincent Price endless laughter.

Yay

Tanyon Sturtze - the stupidest name in all of baseball - has taken the mound for the Yankees.

And we capitalize on that shit. Red Sox lead 4-3. Papelbon will come in next. Sa-weet.

What? No Bonnet?

And what's the deal with Hazel Mae's outfit? Is it Easter or something? All pink and bows? It's a sports network! Let's get with the program! Put the basket down and wear something decent.

Yanks just tied it up. God, I hate them.

Something Wicked This Way Comes

Mirabelli ducked out of a state trooper's vehicle (his escort) and jogged into the park in his uniform. I am so amused by that. What a lucky cop, by the way.

Orsillo giggled when he said, "They've changed the chant from Yankees 'aren't very good' to Johnny's 'not very good.'" You know, because Don can't say "suck" on television.

Johnny tried to tip his hat and I just felt bad for him. My God, Johnny, what the fuck are you thinking? Talk about asking for it. Why didn't you just go to the plate and concentrate on hitting? You only made it harder on yourself there. Any other team, Johnny, and you'd still get the love. Any other team! (Wow, the fans actually threw some money down on center field. Seems like an obvious gag, but I didn't even think of that. Good one, bleacher people.) I mean, really, Johnny, you tried to give us some sob story about how Red Sox front office didn't care about you, but the fact is WE DID. WE DID. You made your bed, brother. Johnny whining about getting booed would be like Affleck bitching about the paparazzi. Where there is ying, there is also yang. Remember, Johnny, a lot of the people booing you are going to go back to their one bedroom apartments and continue to live paycheck to paycheck. You get to go to your luxurious hotel or whatever and get a 90 minute massage.

Remy is suddenly the human boo-o-meter. More than once, he offered his opinion as to whether or not there were more boos than cheers. "Definitely more booing" was his final word.

Nice off the end of the bat hit by Papi. Wang has walked 3 batters so far and it's still the 1st inning with 1 out. Whoops, 2 outs. Cairo did the right thing there with the force out. Eh, gotta give "I Can't Believe Manny Robbed Me of a Home Run" some credit on that decision.

Bases loaded and ... Wily Mo, Wily Mo, Wily Mo please get on base. It's all you, Wily Mo. 3-1. Good, good. Ah, crap. At least he hit the ball well and Bubba had to seriously dive to catch it. It wasn't a strike out.

More mindless commentary later. I cannot sit still during these games. They make me nuts.

You Dipped. Then, You Dipped Again.

Now that we are on the subject of the Red Sox Double Dip (when a Red Sox player or critical figure goes elsewhere only to come back again), I've been putting more thought into the whole Clemens possibility.

I guess I am trying to prepare for it, because, like it or not, Roger may be pitching for the Red Sox in June of this year. It's still anyone's guess, I suppose, but stranger things have happened and front office is "all in" on this one, pushing Nipper out on the poker table along with their chips. Although I joked about Doug's return being a joint effort with the marketing department, I think that where Clemens is concerned, marketing has a very clear and distinct role. Even if (huge if, by the way) everything is sealed and it's just a matter of ripping off a few calendar sheets for it to be realized, I am sure that the entire Red Sox machine is sitting on this egg together, waiting for the perfect hatching moment. They know that everyone has a stake in this. NESN, WEEI, ESPN, The Boston Globe (in other words, the NY Times), The Boston Herald, the fans, the evil Dirt Dog, Dunkin Donuts, Bernie and Phyl's, Sports Illustrated - geez, the list is endless, as this could potentially be one of the most powerful stories to break in recent sports history.

Still, I wish he had retired seasons ago. I don't like Clemens and I am offended that the bozo has become part of the WS clinching equation for contending teams. My team, being one. This creates quite a dilemma for me. My morals or my team? Let me illustrate my point. My coworker, Tom, told me about this stock called Vicex today. It's performs exceedingly well, especially when the country has fallen on tougher times. Why? Because it's the tobacco/alcohol/gambling/nuclear arms stock. Tom knows that if he invested in this stock, he'd make some serious cash, but he won't do it for the obvious reason. I see Clemens as Vicex. If I invest in him, I have to somehow put all of the things that I hate about him out of my brain and I don't think I can do it. He crossed the line the day he kissed the Babe Ruth statue outside of Yankee Stadium right before a playoff game against us. Nothing says, "I hate the Red Sox" more than this act and he committed it.

On the other hand, if it comes down to 2 teams for Clemens, and those 2 teams are the Red Sox and the Yankees, I will have to hope that we reacquire him. I won't have a choice. If the Yankees reacquire him, they stand to gain more than just an "edge," especially if we are still forced to use DiNardo in our starting rotation (and that assumes that our remaining staff stays healthy all year long).

I guess, if I can make it about the 2 teams rather than the man himself, it will be easier for me to accept. By rooting for Roger to come to the Red Sox over the Yankees, I am rooting against Steinbrenner. I need to focus on this, especially if Theo gets his wish.

Speaking of rooting against Steinbrenner, the game begins in less than 4 hours. The first Red Sox/Yankees game of the season. Holy crap, I can't wait.

Classic Catcher

My friend Ilene just wrote this in an email to me. Hilarious.

the freakin red sox. they're like the coke marketing people. look... we've brought you new coke. oh, you don't like that. then here, we're bringing back the old coke, but now it's classic coke. we're your heroes!

The Big Ragu

I am so thrilled that Doug Mirabelli is coming home. What a way to put a little spring in our step tonight! Sometimes I think that front office works with the marketing department to deliver things like this during high drama baseball times. Bard is probably relieved to go to the Padres. It's got to be a tremendous amount of pressure to (a) catch the knuckle ball and (b) do it in Boston, where patience is as thin as Natural Lite in a keg. I hear that we were able to hand off ole Cla Meredith, too. Good riddens.

Another twinge of irony: Johnny Damon is always citing the Red Sox for dismanteling the team and talking about how much he loves playing for a club that is dedicated to retaining its players. So, how funny is it that Mirabelli is catching tonight?

[Update: You know, I was thinking - this is one of those things that you sit around wishing would happen, but then reality kicks in and you say to yourself: Nah! Think about it, though. The boomerang factor is pretty high with the Red Sox these days:

1. Theo left, Theo came back.
2. Doug left, Doug came back.

Red Rover, Red Rover, send Pedro right over! That's my next wish. Shooting for the moon while the universe is feeling generous. Hmmmm ... who could we give the Mets?]